were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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