cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
