he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
