we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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