like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
