i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
