Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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