Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
