in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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