Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
