I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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