"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
