I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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