my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
