Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
