They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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