why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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