Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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