my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
