oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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