Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
