I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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