girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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