Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
