he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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