it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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