Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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