girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
