Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
