saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Let's get the cat blown out
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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