You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
