Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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