For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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