Who did Billy Mays play for?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
