i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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