twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
