I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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