After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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