Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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