why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
