u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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