Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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