he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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