I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
