I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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