As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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