So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
