Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
