He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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