i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Two words: blizzard sex
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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