He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
