Your dad touched me again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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