Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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