I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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