Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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