She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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