I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
50% drunk capacity currently
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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