yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
