lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
