If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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