I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
