today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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